The Hunter's Guide to the Parallels of Sex and Pie
by Kirabaros
Summary: Is there such a thing? Dean Winchester seems to think so and tries to explain to our beloved adorkable angel Castiel why pie is like having sex. Rated M for suggestive themes and language.
1. Lesson 1: Bad is Better than None

**A/N:** Alrighty then. For all of you out there who have a mild to unholy obsession with pie, there is a solution... This guide written by none other than Dean Winchester himself explains your obsession and how to make that better. A necessity for every household and has had critical acclaim by Casa Erotica.

A special thanks to WickedLittleLies for the catchy anecdotes. Enjoy.

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><p><strong>The Hunter's Guide to the Parallels of Sex and Pie<strong>

Dean stumbled into the cheap digs that he rented for the week to handle some case that came by his way when he was passing through. He tossed the box that he was carrying on the table along with the keys before slinging off his jacket and tossing that on the chair. He looked over at towards the single bed that occupied the room. It still felt weird that Sam wasn't there but it was for the best since Sam couldn't be trusted to do the job when demons were involved. Thinking about Sam had Dean scowl and mutter something at nothing in particular and he went to the fridge to find what he wanted the most.

Finding what he needed, he took it and went to the table and opened the box. He was taking out the greatest thing next to a good beer and he took a deep whiff. He moaned out loud as he took in the sweet sugary scent, his nose practically touching the flakey warmth. He reached for the can of whipped cream, "Oh baby you've been so bad. You're going to get it." He began spraying the cream on the luscious beauty that was sitting there on the table looking at him with that sensual gleam. He was methodical, occasionally taking a small dab on his fingers and slowly licking it. "Yes baby you're going to get it. And when I'm done with you…"

"Why would you torture an inanimate object?"

Dean jumped up the moment he heard Castiel's voice behind him. He was still holding the can of whipped cream. When he jumped, he sprayed some out and it landed in blobs on the kitchenette counter as well as the walls and eventually a few sprays on Castiel in a perfect ring around his neck. Dean finally dropped the can and in annoyed tone said, "Cas, what did I tell you about doing that? And personal space dude."

The angel merely looked down at the ring of whipped cream on his chest and then up at the hunter who looked like he got caught with his pants down. Castiel dabbed a finger in the whipped cream and looked at Dean and said, "My apologies," and he tasted the bit on his finger. "I didn't realize that you about to engage in an intimate activity."

"At least you didn't squash it like you did last time," Dean replied as he picked up the can and put it on the table. Dean then gestured to the beauty still intact and artfully covered with cream and said, "This is the greatest thing a man could have. Without it, a man could go crazy."

Castiel peered at Dean with a curious frown as he continued to dab at the whipped cream on his chest, liking the sweetness of it even though he didn't need sustenance. He replied, "I still don't understand your fascination with a dessert."

"Cas." Dean looked at the angel with an incredulous look. "Pie is a necessity. You can't do without it like you can't do without sex."

"So pie is like sex?" The angel was thoroughly confused at the whole thing. How could food be equated to sex? Even though he was used to the innuendos and sarcasm of Dean Winchester, the connections his mind made between things was baffling.

"Yes Cas," Dean replied giving the angel a look that said the angel was clearly born in a vacuum or something. He could see that the angel was still clearly confused by the whole thing and he thought that he heard the angel mutter something about humans and their metaphors. Dean looked at his busty beauty on the table begging him to come back and have his way with her. He then looked at the angel who seemed to be enjoying the necklace he gave him and then an idea came to him. It might be more profitable than the "den of iniquity" that he had taken Cas into and much more fun. God knows he could use some. He said, "Cas since you are new to this, how about I give you a lesson on the parallels of pie and sex?"

"And this helps with the Apocalypse?"

"No. Think of it as understanding how we humans think."

Castiel still looked confused. Right now they had the Apocalypse and the insane idea of killing the devil to deal with. This was not a necessary thing. Then again this was Dean Winchester. "So this is one of those take what you can moments?"

Dean was baffled at the response. Something actually got through to the stoic angel for once since sometimes it was like talking to a wall with the guy. He then grinned and said, "You got the right idea Cas. Now in order for you to understand we'll need to get you a busty beauty for you to try. I don't like to share so it's going to have to be your own."

Castiel wasn't sure if Dean was referring to the pie or a woman when he said busty beauty. He then figured that Dean meant that he called for a woman and needed to call for a second. "Why would you need to call for a second woman? Shouldn't one be enough for a demonstration?"

Dean could feel his mouth open wide as if he were going to swallow a fish. The only other time he felt like that was when he walked into the Roadhouse that one time. It was like talking to a child. He then said in an annoyed tone, "The pie Cas. The pie is the busty beauty. You need your own pie to understand."

"Oh. Then let's get another… busty beauty."

"Now you're talking."

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><p><em>Lesson 1: Bad is Better than None<em>

Dean sat across from Castiel practically mooning over the two busty beauties that were just sitting on the table. Dean looked at his cream covered baby and Castiel's naked lady and said, "You need something to spice that up. He grabbed the can of whipped cream and gave it a shake. He then began covering the naked lady in sweet stickiness, being artistic with it. Cas' first time had to be memorable.

Once he was finished, Dean put the can down and looked at the angel who was looking at the fork in a puzzled state. He said, "Cas, it's pie. It's not gonna do anything. If anything you're the one going to give it to her."

Castiel looked at Dean with a look that made him look like he was going to go into a panic attack. Dean saw it and said, "Relax Cas. This isn't about smiting anything. It's more about enjoying the pleasures in this world."

Dean waited until Castiel relaxed a little visibly and then grinned. "Alright Cas now the first and most important thing you'll ever know about little busty beauties is that bad is better than none."

"Bad is better than none?"

Dean pulled out one of those packaged beauties that were fifty cents at a mini mart and tore off its crackling covering and held it up. He explained, "Yeap. You see you still get some even if it's the lousiest piece of crap you ever eaten." He took a bite of the little beauty and immediately started making noises. He held out the little beauty to Cas to indicate that he should try it.

Cas took the little beauty and looked at it. He took a small bite and tasted the fruity filling mixed in with the cheap flakiness of the crust. It tasted pretty good and said, "This tastes fine Dean."

Dean nearly spit out what he had but managed to keep it in his mouth. "Are you kidding me? That is a cheap whore. Now take a bite of the beauty in front of you. Make sure you lick off the cream. I tell ya that is a prime escort." He leaned forward to sniff the beauty sitting on the table pouting at him and charged up the loading ramp at a leisurely and sensual pace and tasted the beauty, savoring the creamy taste.

Castiel sat there watching Dean devour the confection with relish. He heard the noises Dean was making and watched with a curious expression. He didn't bother to touch the beauty in front of him who was clearly glaring at him for the lack of attention. He asked, "Are the noises indicators of how good it is?"

Dean paused in his fantasy of cream pies to study the angel. It really was like talking to a child. He rolled his eyes in annoyance and contemplated the possibility of creating a specialized course that maybe even Sammy could follow.


	2. Lesson 2: The Sounds are the Same

_Lesson 2: The Sounds of Eating and Screwing are the Same_

Dean looked at the angel who had not even touched that beauty and she was looking pissed at the moment. If Cas didn't dive into those creamy lips, she was going to have a fit and Dean would have to take care of it. Not that he minded. It wasn't very often he was in the company of two beautiful busty beauties. He answered the angel's question, "Cas when you taste her, it's a slice of heaven."

"How can…"

"Don't think too literally," Dean interrupted before the angel could ask another odd question. "By tasting her, you savor the flavor and sometimes it makes your blood hot and you can't help but make noise. Try it."

Cas looked at the beauty that was still in his hand and made to take another taste. He was interrupted when Dean said, "Not the cheap whore Cas."

Cas immediately dropped the cheap whore where she landed on the floor with a splat. Cas looked down at her and she looked like she was finished and out the door. Dean starting to laugh as Cas stared at the cheap whore. He would have to clean up the mess later but the look on the angel's face was priceless. He said, "Now take that beauty on the table. She's pissed Cas. She wants it and bad."

Castiel was not sure how much more he could take of Dean's metaphors for the pie on the table and the one he just dropped on the floor. He was willing to go along if only to indulge the elder Winchester's need for fun at his expense, though at this point Dean seemed dead on serious in teaching him the intricacies of pie. He picked up the fork and took a small piece of the beauty in front of him. He popped it into his mouth and began chewing.

Dean watched as he was savoring another creamy taste of the busty beauty. The cheap whore was looking at them from her place on the floor making herself a cheap dirty whore and Dean was going to have to clean her up later. He grinned as gave a slight moan as the cream and filling mixed in his mouth. He looked at Castiel and asked, "So? Taste's good?"

Castiel chewed the bite he had taken. The cream and the fruity filling blended in his mouth in an escalating ball of sweetness. He didn't get why anyone would make noise even though it did taste good. He didn't realize it but he made a slight hum as he finished his bite. He took another and again a small hum escaped from his mouth.

Dean heard the small noises coming from Castiel and grinned and took another taste of his luscious beauty. From his view Cas was following his advice but he wasn't getting it still. As far as Dean was concerned the little noises were a first step. If Cas realized what he was doing and it clicked, then it would be a slice of heaven. He looked down at the cheap whore and said, "Looks like you won't be getting any bitch."

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><p><strong>AN:** We come to Lesson 2. Again thanks to WickedLittleLies for encouraging the 'lessons'. I now have a special place in the pit... with pie.


	3. Lesson 3: Different Ways of Having It

_Lesson 3: Different Ways of Having It_

Now that Dean had Castiel making noises with the busty beauty, he could step it up. He still had a piece of his beauty in his mouth and was finishing his last completion with her when Castiel asked, "Is this the only way to have this?"

Dean looked to find that the angel was peering at the busty beauty. Dean had selected a berry pie for the angel thinking that it would get his point across. However Dean's own preference of these luscious beauties really was no contest. He could have it any way he wanted. How to explain that to Castiel was something that required thinking. He then said, "Well Cas, what I'm going to tell you is probably going to be the third most important thing you're going to need to know. There are different ways of having that beauty in front of you."

"I don't understand." Cas was still making humming noises as he was eating his beauty. The look on his face just made Dean want to laugh at the angel.

Dean pointed at the floor with his fork and said, "You can have the cheap whore and they are the quick and dirty kind. Cheap skin, nice filling. Perfect for on the go and if you need a quickie."

"And bad is better than none?"

"Right. Nice going Cas," Dean replied feeling proud that his usually clueless angel was actually getting it. He then cut a slice of his beauty and held it up in his hand. "This is lovemaking. You've only got a short time so you make each moment count. You can taste her slowly and make her squirm with anticipation. You can use your hands and stroke her for little dabs. Magic fingers, Cas."

Castiel watched as Dean demonstrated with the slice in his hand. He frowned slightly when Dean started murmuring during his lovemaking. He didn't understand the need to talk to pie but he managed to conclude that this was one of those parallels in which one talks to one's partner while doing it. He took another small bite still making the humming noises.

Dean finished his lovemaking and licked the juices from his fingers. They were covered with cream and he took his time suck it off, making a big show of it to Castiel. When he was finished he studied the angel and continued his explanation, "Now what you have there is the whole menu. You can lick her," and he leaned forward to run his tongue along her warm soft skin lapping at the cream. "You can stroke her," Dean ran a finger along her lips and let out a soft moan as his finger met with warm softness. He pulled his finger out and licked the beauty's filling off his finger.

Castiel watched Dean have his way with his beauty and peered down at his. He then looked back up as Dean continued to explain the menu. He took another bite and he continued to make humming noises much to Dean's amusement.

Dean wondered if his demonstration was turning on the angel with all the humming noises he was making while being the virgin with his beauty. Still he had the angel's attention, so he continued, "You can pound it to her and rape her." He began taking vicious stabs with his fork and stuffing the pieces in his mouth. "Either way, you'll get your fill." He swallowed his mouthful and added, "Sometimes you can punish her by ignoring her like that bitch down there." He pointed at the cheap whore on the ground. "She's a cheap whore but there are different qualities. You're prime escort is fresh out of the oven. She is ripe. That is the best way of having it and you can have your way with her."

Castiel saw the state of the beauty in front of Dean. How could anyone enjoy doing that? He looked down to his not even halfway eaten beauty. He still wasn't sure about Dean's logic but it was clear to the angel that the hunter was enjoying himself and Castiel thought that he needed that after what had happened. He looked up to see Dean obsessed with spraying more whipped cream on his pie and he asked, "How does drowning it in whip cream make a difference?"

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><p><strong>AN:** Okay maybe this one got a little out of hand but I had to stick with the pie metaphors and I swear Dean was egging me on when I wrote this chapter. He really wants me to go to the pit for this. I just know it.


	4. Lesson 4: Cream Goes Well with Both

_Lesson 4: Whipped Cream Goes Well with Both_

At the rate Castiel was asking questions, Dean was certain he would need to create a book or do an actual course. Though he could hardly imagine a whole bunch of angels trying to understand but humans were a maybe. Castiel's latest question was more like a rhetorical question to him. At least they were intelligent questions. Dean continued swirling more of the cream on his beauty. She was tired but she wanted more and he was going to give it to her. Before answering Castiel's question, he said to her, "You want more don't ya bitch? You ready for more? I'm going pour it on and then lick it all off as I taste your juices and you'll feel me and like it."

Castiel looked like Dean had asked him to get out of his trench coat and clothes and put on a dress. He listened as Dean threatened the remains on the table. This was the most unusual night he ever had with Dean Winchester. "Dean?"

"Shut your pie hole Cas, I'm in the middle of something," Dean gave a sharp look as he finished creating an elaborate design on his beauty. Now she looked like she was begging for more. When he was finished, he looked back at the angel and said, "Cas, whipped cream goes well with both."

"It does?"

Dean smiled as he put the can back down on the table. His grin turned into a mad man variety since the ring he sprayed on Castiel earlier was still there. He replied, "Hell yeah! Cas, look at you. Look at these two luscious beauties."

Cas looked down at himself. The cream Dean shot him with earlier was still there even with the dabs he had taken off. He then looked at Dean's ravages and his. It was not clear yet and it showed on his face.

Dean huffed and sigh and explained, "Cas the cream is what gets the ladies going every time. You spray it on liberally and then take your time getting it off. Believe me it drives them wild. By the time you are finished, they are begging for more which is what this bitch was doing. I'm not done with her and she wants more." He then looked at his girl and said, "Yeah you want more don't ya bitch."

"Does the use of profanity make it better?"

"Absolutely, especially when she's begging you for it like this girl here," Dean replied indicating to his girl. She was waiting and he was anticipating it. He looked at Castiel and said, "Go on Cas, be liberal with it. Make her squirm as you take it off. Enjoy it."

Castiel watched as Dean called his conquest a beautiful bitch and started in on his ravaging. He looked at the cheap whore on the ground and then at the prime escort on the table. He still didn't understand the concepts completely but the pie was good. He picked up his fork and gave a stab at it and took a liberal amount on his fork and shoveled it into his mouth. The initial humming noises he made amplified startling him. He was reluctant to admit it but he did like pie.

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><p><strong>AN:** I actually have to thank my sorority sisters for the necklace reference since we once had a party theme "Pearl Necklace". Looks like Cas is still an innocent but not a virgin anymore...


	5. Lesson 5: Nirvana Comatose

_Lesson 5: Nirvana Comatose_

Dean leaned back in his chair, his arms dangling off the sides, his head laid back and a big smile on his face. He moaned in pleasure at the full feeling he had. That bitch was good. He liked it and knew that she did too. Rounding third base and heading home always brought his pleasure to a peak and it always came out warm like apple pie.

Apple pie…

Dean contemplated on getting another beauty for the night but a glance at the floor and around the kitchenette told him that maybe he had enough for the night. The cheap whore was still on the floor and his earlier exertions were still sprayed on the counters. If he wanted another beauty, he would need to clean it up. At the moment he didn't want to move.

Dean looked up long enough to see that Castiel was sitting straight up in his chair and staring at the remains of his exertions with his girl. There was still some whipped cream in the dish but Dean noticed that the angel was continuing to stare at it. Dean wondered if that was angel's coming down phase. If it was, then it wasn't that much different from the other faces that he gave.

"Dean, I feel… satisfied."

Dean laughed at the angel's hesitancy. He replied, "That is lesson number five Cas. Pie and sex bring you to a state of Nirvana and makes you comatose. It's that full feeling. That means you are good until you need to go at it again." Dean sighed as he leaned back in chair. "A bitch, like the ones we just had, is why you can't live without 'em. They are a necessity Cas."

"I'm not sure that I understand it being a necessity since there is no nutritional value…"

"Now you're sounding like Sam," Dean growled, "That busty beauty is what makes a man's time on the job pleasant. Once you finish with one, you can have another. You can have one in every town almost. Even that cheap whore on the floor."

"You seem to like them since you eat them in the car."

Dean sat up at Castiel's sentence. The angel was still not moving, obviously still enjoying the effects of his lady. However the joke that Castiel made was a sign to Dean that there may be some hope for Castiel. All the angel needed to do was 'rinse and repeat' everything he learned this night. Smiling at that thought, Dean leaned forward and dabbed his finger at the cream still left in the dish and slowly sucked it off. He watched the angel continue to sit and stare in pleasure while reveling in his own nirvana. It was a good night…

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><p><strong>AN:** And that completes the five essentials in Dean's view regarding those busty beauties. I have it on good authority that Casa Erotica has sanctioned it for use in their upcoming series...


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